I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
sarcasm needs its own font
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
