Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
