just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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