Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
