The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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