I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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