Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
