Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
