I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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