i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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