I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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