my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
tell me about the eggs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
