So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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