This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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