Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
