I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Pooping to opera.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
