I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
