He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
