Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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