I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
