i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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