just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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