worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
