I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
