Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
