So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
