just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
