I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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