Someone shit on the floor
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
