Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
