i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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