he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
