I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
