i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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