i think i have two assholes
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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