Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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