im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
