Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
