i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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