my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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