pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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