i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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