I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
