: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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