ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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