My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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