I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
why is half of my head shaved?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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