I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
