she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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