im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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