so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
