I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Found the puke drawer
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
